the last post.

2005-03-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

hello. i know i havent updated for the longest time but ive been having problems with blogger. ill just get on with my post now.
so about twenty minutes ago i was with bess (for those of you who are not familiar with her she is my maid). we had just walked back from the petrol station and were at the patio smoking. so then she asks me: 'why are you smoking so much? are you stressed?' funny. so this conversation went on to how life is for me now. very frankly, it sucks. i have just lost my best friend, and had to be taught a lesson in life from someone im not too. how do i put it. 'on' with. so i tell her my story. and we talk. about five minutes ago while i was showering. i finally realised something. friendship is not like a toy that you buy when you want and throw away when youre done. its something far more important. and i had to learn this lesson the hard way. throughout my life i have done this with my friends. i didnt treasure them, i talked behind their back, i used them, and i simply cut off ties when i was done. its not something im very proud of. in fact, believe it or not i feel very stupid and ashamed of what i have done. i let little things get to me and use them as excuses to be rid of people. even people i didnt actually dislike. all because i thought that i had a mass of friends at my disposal and it really didnt matter at all whether or not i had one or two friends gone. although i never realised it, these people were mostly nice and people that, besides small problems which we ALL have, and i could learn to live with anyway, i really simply didnt think about. for example, there was this one friend who was always there when i had problems. there to listen, there to give me a hug when i was down, but i shoved her aside because i thought she was 'irritating'. which we all can be. especially me. then theres another that was always doing nice things for me and helping me. but i let small, stupid things irritate me and i just called it quits. which wasnt that smart.
also (and i cant believe this took so long) ive finally realised the importance of branded goods. does it matter that your teeshirt costed 700 dollars more than his? no, not really. whether youre wearing balenciaga or baleno, it really shouldnt matter. your friends will be able to see past this. your true friends. if your friends only want you because you have that new marni pin that everyone wants, or because you use a prada pencilcase, then you dont have a friend there. you are NOT what you wear. your personality will go past your clothing and that is what will matter. in twenty years from now it wont matter if you carried a louis vuitton bag to school, if you had prada school shoes, or if your hair was the nicest. people will remember those things, of course, but that will not be what matters. what people will REALLY remember was (for example) that you were a really nice and helpful person. and that you had a great personality and that everyone loved you (or loathed you in my case). even if you ARE conscious about what you wear, it doesnt have to have a trussardi logo on it. as long as it looks nice, youre fine. if you have a friend that dresses like this or that and doesnt have prada, it shouldnt matter. he/she is your friend. THAT is what matters. THAT is what will count in the long run. just like i saw somewhere: you wont be able to take your pradas and guccis up there.
to ALL the people along the way that ive been less-than-nice to, that i have dissed, that i have backstabbed, that i have lied to, that i have hurt. im really, truely sorry. for many i know that sorry is too late. i dont expect any one of you to ever forgive me. i dont expect you to smile, to stop bitching about me, to stop pulling faces when you see me, i dont expect anything of you. i just want you all to know that im truely sorry. for those who came here, who are like me, dont make the same mistake. it will end up being a really hard chapter in your life. if you have already made the mistake, its time to get off your high-horse.stop thinking youre 'all that' and stop thinking youre better than others.take it from me: its not nice entering a hall know that more than half the people there abhor you. to everyone else: some of you know, some of you dont. but either way, i dont ask of your forgiveness. all i ask is that you know that im sorry.

irreversible

the last post.